In the words of SZA, “God Bless These 20-somethings” - Life Update

This time last year, I was a confused 23-year-old who had just graduated with her two associate's degrees and a certificate, rejected from her top choices for transferring, and no job prospects. 

This time this year, I am a year older—24, and still confused. 

The differences? 

Well, once again—a year older, so a year wiser. 

I was admitted to a 4-year university, which I have since withdrawn from. 

I am returning to my Alma mater. 

My passions are clear, but my career direction is still elusive.

I am a bit more reclusive, but more open to connections. 

I enjoy being out and about—even if it’s just sitting in a café, more than being in my room. 

Showing a bit more leg in the wardrobe department. 

And oddly, just vastly… calmer? Detached? Dreamy? 

This past year, my life has seemingly been paused or suspended, yet still evolving. It is a bizarre, disorienting, but grounding experience where you just let everything around you fall off, and see what’s still standing when the smoke clears. Once again, very bizarre and reflective-inducing. 

Let’s jump in… 

May 26, 2025 — My 24th Birthday! 

Much like the rest of life, my birthday was bizarre and even a bit uneventful. 

A few days before my birthday, I went to see the live-action of ‘Lilo & Stitch’, which I loved. Subsequently, the day after my birthday, I went to Topgolf for the first time and had a lot of fun. 

My actual birthday, though? I didn’t even want to sing 'Happy Birthday'. It was a very emotionally intense day, and I just wanted to sit in silence before my candles and blow them out when I was ready, but without the festivity. 

More than anything, I was happy to finally be out of my 12th House Profection year, and now into my 1st House Profection year (speaking in astrological terms here), though… July 26th makes two months since my birthday, and I lowkey feel like I am still in my 12th House Profection year—just now perceived. Again: bizarre. 

Admission into 4-year University, but now not going? 

The one thing I fear more in life than failure is complacency. After a year of rejections from schools and jobs, I did not feel settled with how my everyday looked. It was very monotonous, and seemingly with no real progression in the ‘real-world’. 

Now, I will say: this past year has been glorious for my overall well-being. 

A year voided of academic stress and pressure. 

To wake up and start my day when I felt like it. 

Not having anything to do but being able to do what I wanted. 

Just really being able to decompress mentally and emotionally. 

My health tremendously improved, and for that, I am eternally grateful for this time period—this stasis. 

But much like when a caterpillar is ready to emerge from its cocoon as a butterfly, I was ready to emerge—or at least my patience was running thin (as always). There was also fear: what if I never emerged? Even worse: what if I am meant to emerge now, but I don’t know how? 

So, much like anyone whose life has been rooted in school, I decided to “bite the bullet” and apply to a local university. As the heading implies, I was—of course, admitted. 

Instead of further pursuing my degree path in Communication Studies, I decided to switch lanes. I was admitted into their Business Administration, Business Law bachelor’s program. 

Choosing ‘Business Law’ wasn’t a random, spur-of-the-moment selection. The idea of business law has been appealing since high school. Additionally, after learning about Intellectual Property law, specifically in the context of music, I figured it was interesting enough for me to give it a go. 

Throughout the entire application process and even getting accepted, I was just… apathetic. 

Indifferent. 

Not excited, but no strong 'hell no'—but at the same time, no conviction. Whatsoever. 

I applied in January. 

I was admitted in February. 

In April, I had my first academic advisement appointment. 

During my academic advisement appointment, the counselor suggested I take a few summer classes at my Alma mater to satisfy a few of my lower division requirements—once again, I switched degree trajectories, so despite graduating and transferring, Communications and Business Administration have different lower division requirements. 

I was not opposed to returning to my Alma mater, but a bit hesitant due to knowing there’d be an appeal process I would have to go through—and truthfully, who likes appeal processes? 

Nonetheless, I took the advice of the counselor and set out to spend one last, final semester (just 5 weeks) at my Alma mater, before I leave it in my shadows forever… that was the goal. 

Submitted my appeal. 

Appeal approved. 

I was registered for two classes starting on Monday, June 16, 2025. 

Whew… little did I know I’d be opening Pandora’s box with no way to stuff its contents back inside. 

June 16 - July 17, 2025 

The longest but quickest five weeks of my life. 

The most confusing and disorienting five weeks of my life. 

The most eye-opening five weeks of my life. 

The most… the most of the most… five weeks of my life. 

Still very much processing it as I write this on July 25—a week after it ended. 

One thing that stuck out these past five weeks (other than something very glaring and pre-possessing… Pandora shall remain tight-lipped about this… at least on here, LMAO) was how unemotional and inauthentic it felt to say, “I’m transferring. I am studying Business Law.” 

I just busted out laughing while typing that. 

Man, pure-fucking-comedy. 

It never felt real. 

Not to think about it. 

Not when I’d visited the campus

(I had a reluctance to touring it—as in scheduled times, but backed out)

Not when I’d be completing paperwork. 

Not when I signed my housing contract for the dorm. 

Not when I registered for classes. 

None of it felt real. 

What was real, though? 

My defensiveness. 

My dismissal. 

My unwillingness to engage with it. 

My apprehension about voicing it. 

The hollowness in my voice and chest when I would say it. 

My apparent disengagement. 

My blatant lack of desire to go. 

My heart not being in it. 

Though I still held on, and tried convincing myself: 

hell yeah, I’m going...?

What caused the shift from denial to acceptance? 

On the last day of class, just as I was about to take my final, I briefly spoke with a former professor (one of my absolute favorites) in the hallway, and when the words left my mouth, I just knew—I was lying—not to others, but to myself. 

I was not going. 

I was not going to be studying Business Law. 

I did not want to do this. 

This. Wasn’t. My. Path. 

After my final and other events, I walked off campus that day feeling like I was not done with this place—the wind just started going crazy—currently sitting outside while typing this, but due to other events, the resonance of this moment was a bit convoluted. 

The next day, however? 

My emotional levee broke in a way I don’t think I’d ever experienced. 

For one, I am not a crier. I am emotional, but my emotions typically don’t manifest into tears, especially with no obvious reason to be crying. 

For hours, I heaved. 

For hours, my chest caved in. 

For hours, I felt the weight of my body. 

For hours, I could only crouch over. 

Tear-stained, snotty-nosed. 

I cried. 

Not in an ‘Oh, I am feeling emotional’, but truly from the depths of my soul. 

I was grieving a death that did not even occur. 

But my soul… was grieving, and had been silently doing so, but getting heavier as I neared the date of my transferring. 

I’d think about my Alma mater or transferring, and I’d burst out into tears. 

It is actually quite funny to think about—I found it funny then, but seriously: the funniest shit ever. 

Nevertheless, very real. 

Despite my mind, soul, and heart being made up, I still toyed with the fear of uncertainty. 

But, I finally had to say to myself: “I don’t know what’s coming or where I am going, but I know I don’t want to go there or study that,” and I had no choice but to honor that. 

So, no: I am not going to the 4-year university I was admitted to. 

Instead, I am returning to my Alma mater. 

That decision alone has freed me and made me happier. 

Is everything fully clear to me? Hell no. 

I am still very much on #confusedexpress, but I am clear on what I want and don’t want. 

I am clear on what I am passionate about: my blog and learning. 

But the direction I am heading in? 

Only time will tell because I cannot give you that answer.